Rendezvous with the past..

There are some feelings hidden deep inside me, buried in the sands called time, some so deep that I don’t remember them anymore. Some of them, I don’t want to and I don’t dare to introspect. It’s like a volcano which could erupt anytime and whom is it going to engulf apart from me is my biggest worry. There are certain feelings and certain thoughts, which were once my life and I couldn’t for a split second imagine my life without them. But how times change!

Imagine racing ahead on the road called life. In the start, everything looks so beautiful and seems like a roller coaster ride. But in the process of racing ahead and the adamant focus on reaching the destination, we miss certain moments in the voyage and when we look back in the rear view mirror we can only see distant images of people/moments whom we missed enroute. Or even sad, the mirror is broken and the distant Images are now just aberrations. We can’t drive back and so we decide to halt and cherish those Images, which are now mere blemishes. But life has to go on, it’s meant to be that way.

But what is the driving force for the sudden gush of feelings which threaten to engulf me? No matter how much I deny, it has always been and would always be “She...” How I wish I could get back to those good old times, with She by my side. When every guitar chord strummed was to touch her heart, waking up every morning was an excuse to see her and when I ceased to be myself and was becoming what she wanted me to be. I can visualize lying in her lap, and she moulding my heart at will. Irony is she is able to mould it so easily, because the look in to her eyes melted my heart and made me oblivious to any pain inflicted upon me. Now only the marks are left and the pain is sweet.

I still think of her every day, should I say every minute? Been 6 years since she left, rather left me, alas. She was happy as usual, but I could see the pain in her eyes. She always said I couldn’t see the obvious, but had this uncanny ability to see what’s hidden. What she dint know was that, this was painful. She looked in to my eyes intently and asked – “Do we need to talk?” These words of her made me furious and I shrieked – “Don’t YOU need to talk?”. Now I realize, I wasn’t shouting at her, I was shouting at my helplessness and at everything about myself. I think she understood, kissed me on the forehead and left. For the first time I felt she was devastated, her lips were trembling. That was the last kiss and the last glimpse of her.

[This part was the most painful to write. A lot of things happened, which are beyond any words. So I better leave it.]

Years have passed, but the memories are still intact – as fresh and as pure as SHE ever was. I decided to meet her and fill my senses with her purity. Why now? She was the reason of my existence and I decided “I don’t need a reason to meet my reason!” After this I felt liberated from everything including myself and felt at peace. I decided to meet her on the most important day of my life – “Her Birthday”. The day after which, I was no longer me. Should I say “The death of me”! So 23rd was the day I decided.

The next 2 days were a blur and I wasn’t sure if the days have passed, because I didn’t live them. I boarded the flight to Pune on the afternoon of 23rd and I was literally flying high. I carried a pair of clothes, her favorite after shave and the Guitar. Nothing else, No not even me. I have already reached mentally, transported in time. I planned to reach her office and take her away from everything including herself (although for a few hours). That’s enough for me to replay these moments in the Projector of my mind and get lost in them. Does she remember me? Would it be awkward for her to see me?

Pushing aside all these thoughts with all my might, I dialed her number. Time ceased to exist, I hoped she dint pick the phone. I was being stupid. Click and then the voice came “Hello…” Trembling (with my lips too close to the receiver) I said – “Do we need to talk?”

“Where the hell are you?” she shrieked. It sounded deathly sweet to me. “With you” said I. After an eternal pause, she said – “Wont you ever change?” and laughed. With that all the pain I have ever endured seemed miniscule and her laughter filled my senses and thoughts. “Hey girl, Can you come down for me. I am waiting outside your office” said I.

Click and she hung up. There I was with the Guitar over my Shoulders, waiting for everything with all emptiness in my heart. After what seemed like an eternity, I could see an Angel walking towards me, as graceful as a peacock can ever aspire to be. Tears started dripping down by cheeks and blurred my vision. I wiped my tears frantically, for I could not afford to lose the sight of her, even for a split second. It was like the touch of a mother’s hand on the forehead of a dying son, breath of fresh air for a drowning person gasping for breath and a sip of water for a dying solider. I broke down.

“What have you done to yourself” She said painfully and took my hands in hers. She hasn’t changed a bit, the twinkle in her eyes, the smile on the lips and her big ear rings. It was all the same. Those big ear rings of hers made me go crazy and play with them. I could play with her ears the whole day and get lost in deafening silence of the Chhan Chhan.

“I am going to take you out girl, Now don’t say no” said I. With that she got her bike and for a change she made me drive. It was getting dark and we were lost in our words as I drove. She held me tight and leaned on my shoulders. I could feel her warm breath and I was no longer driving, I was just flying.

What happened next was something I couldn’t have conjured ever. I could see everything transforming itself as though I was travelling back in time. Things were nothing more than a blur and suddenly I realize that everything around has changed to what it was like 6 years ago, when she left me. A deep pain, A deep realization that this was a dream was hitting me and I dint dare to open my eyes. I could still feel her holding me tight and as the minutes passed, I could feel her arms tightening around me and felt breathless. I dint complain, I knew this was death. I always wanted to die in her arms.

PS:-
I died the moment she left me, I realized. I was only living it again. Life is an experience, Death is also an experience. None live to tell the tale though.