She and me..

It was a chilly wintry evening in the month of December and with a stroke of luck I was back home early. For reasons only known to me, I often enjoyed the stint with my “Tanhayee”. It helped me reflect on my inner thoughts and more often than not, to let myself engage with the dark thoughts of mine. Sometimes you just need to escape from everything around you, including yourself, to be yourself. Quite a paradox, but such is life! I am successful and happy in my own little way, but what thoughts and from whom I am trying to run away? No one knows. No, not even me.

I lurked around lazily and aimlessly in the living room, enjoying my stint with nothingness. I stared at myself in the mirror and I could feel the hunger and darkness in those dark black eyes of mine. What was I craving for and what darkness was lurking in those eyes, I never dared to introspect. It was like looking in to someone else’s eyes whom you met for the very first time, but deep inside, you inherently know, you have know him since eternity. I couldn’t hold my gaze and instantly looked away. Maybe, trying to escape from myself.

I switched on the Music and decided to have a shave. Most men are lazy enough not to shave and I am no different. But it can sometimes be exotic and pampers my masculinity. David Gilmour was singing in the background - “Wish you were here...” A gush of emotions overflowed and threw me in to the depths of an often experienced, but unknown emotion. Pink Floyd does this to you.

How I wished she was here, I thought. She was the reason of my life, beauty of my thoughts and my emotional counterpart. No, I don’t wish to name the relation. Whatever it is, it is. Met her for the last time 2 years ago. Spoke to her only occasionally after that and more often than not there was a deafening silence on the phone. When you talk to your inner self, you don’t speak, but you only try to feel it and be in oneness with it. It was the same way with her.

She was coming to meet me today after 2 long years. She called me the previous day and told me that she was coming to meet me. Great, was all I managed to utter and I am not sure if she was able to decipher what I said. I could sense a pain and longing in her voice, which could very well be a speck of my imagination. Sometimes the feelings we try to hide, we try to find them in others. She intrigued me again as she always did, which I found so very irresistible.

Yanking away all my thoughts I finished off my shave and had a warm shower. After much thought, I wore a Kurta and Jeans to look as casual as possible. I lay on the bed thinking about her and drifted in to a web of complex and interwoven thoughts. I woke up with a thud to a ringing door bell, feeling soulless and weak. I wondered if would be able to get up and open the door. What if I couldn’t and she left? What if she played a prank and never came? Pushing aside all my thoughts with all my might, I got up and took one last look at myself in the mirror. Not bad, I thought. As if walking in a dream, I reached for the door. There she was, standing right outside the door. I am at a short of words to express the way I felt at the moment. Timeless and as charming as death, there she was, for me.

“Bastard, won’t you ask me to come in?” said she and punched me in my stomach. “Your punch landed way too below my tummy. Was that really your target?” said I. We laughed uncontrollably after that and in an instant all my inhibitions about what time does to relations were washed away. I held her hand and took her in.

“How are you?” said she and this time I could really feel the pain in her voice.

“Just the way you left me” said I.

“So you are still the chronic flirt I know “– said She.

“Yes, it’s just that now I flirt with my thoughts. Still think of you, feel you every moment and as the days pass by I feel you closer than ever. It’s like everything around me, including me are going ahead, but our thoughts are stagnant and eternal, smiling at everyone racing ahead.” -said I, as a matter of fact.

“These thoughts of yours make you really special and irresistible” – said she and then we were lost in our talk. It was 8 in the evening and we decided to have a stroll in the Balcony. We stood there for a long time looking beyond the hills and trees, beyond everything. There was a chill in the air and a cool breeze flowed, freezing our thoughts. I caught a glimpse of her and could see a few strands of hair falling on her face. I gently stroked her cheek and pushed aside the strands. She smiled at me and said – “You haven’t changed a bit.” I smiled and drew in to the comforting fold of her arms.

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We lay in each other’s arms the whole night and spoke of nothing. We felt a complete oneness with each other and everything around us. We dint care if there was a tomorrow, there never was. We just dint care.

Prologue:-
She left me the next day, of course without any promise of coming back. I never expected anything, because I knew I would be meeting her in my thoughts again. Was this a thought as well? May be, I don’t know.